You are “kept” by noone

I was delighted to find a notification that an old friend of mine left me a note at MySpace. It was someone I haven’t spoken to for a long time and considered a close friend. I am unfortunately very terrible at staying in touch. I don’t do this on purpose and I encourage my friends to poke me even if it’s only to abuse me for my talents. Though the purpose of the message was to get back in touch, the content was a backhanded insult.

“Are you married? Did you run out of invitations? Congratulations! Are you pregnant?!”

To give a little bit more understanding of this note, my profile’s relationship type was deliberately changed to “married” because I keep getting dating inquiries from male acquaintances. I’ve since stopped getting these inquiries ever since I changed it to “married” status. I assume she just noticed this change on my profile and wrote to inquire about it. As I said, she was a very close friend and I promised that if I got married, she would be invited.

Today’s entry is a reference to an infamous Christian saying “You are your brother’s keeper.” You’re not. This unfortunate saying does more harm especially towards women.

I’m not really sure if this is unique to being a Filipina but apparently if you are one, your goal in life is to get married as early as you can, have children, and be financially dependent on your husband. I’ve wrestled on my opinion of marriage for a very long time and finally decided that it’s really just a public declaration of a relationship. The celebrations, the trinkets and whatnot are not for the bride and groom but for their public.

I don’t really know how the government recognizes marriages but it’s always nice to know that if a relationship doesn’t work out, you can just walk away. I’ve heard people stay together to uphold the “sacredness” of marriage, because you go straight to hell if you file a divorce! I’ve heard people stay together because of the “children.” I’ve heard that people stay together because they’re just so used to their partner they’re not willing to find another one to get used to. There’s a solution to all these reasons to keep a marriage, they really are just shallow excuses.

In school, they teach you the hierarchy involved in a Filipino family. The father is the breadwinner. The mother looks after the children. The elder children look after the younger ones. What they don’t tell you is that it’s common to see mothers and fathers screaming expletives at each other, throwing dishes and cutlery at each other or threatening each other with divorce. This isn’t to say that I had a dysfunctional family. My mother and father were usually “sweet” but I used to think that it was normal to constantly fight with your sweetheart and occasionally have the urge to hurt them. For a long time, I avoided having relationships thinking that “this” picture was how it was supposed to be. I noted this behavior from many friends and their significant others I had growing up who constantly argued about the smallest, pettiest, mundane things from street signs to “another” significant other. I grew up thinking that marriage was a sacred. What makes it different from an ordinary boy x girl relationship is the fact that it’s a public declaration towards society or “god.” Does any of that involve how the bride and groom feel about each other? What does society have to do with people’s relationships anyway?

An auxiliary issue towards marriage is a woman’s dependence towards her husband. Any self sufficient woman who can cook, clean, educated, and beautiful is instantly expected to give up her career and be subservient to her husband. She passes “ownership” from her family to her husband. Most female are raised to crave the life of being pampered by a husband so they don’t know how to fend for themselves and are afraid of being independent and braving the world with their potential. Unfortunately, I see a lot of women using their children as an excuse to stay in a marriage because they don’t know how to go out there and take up work and fulfill both breadwinner and care taking roles. They’re told all their lives that they are second rate citizens so they know no other way to function than to be subservient.

And then there’s the children. When a woman gets pregnant, “society” automatically calls for a husband because they expect a breadwinner to pamper her while she looks after them. She can’t possibly take care of them on her own can she? Though pregnancy and having children is usually a happy occasion, there are several instances when it doesn’t fit our “acceptable” conditions. Some women have the misfortune of being raped. Some women did not have proper education regarding sex and contraceptives. Regardless, these are all trivial situations excused as ‘bad’ simply because it doesn’t fit the religious doctrine of birthing babies only under marriage.

A lot of parents I know who have daughters reason that they “lose more” if the daughter gets pregnant because they “have to take care” of their daughter’s child. True, the man involved can always “leave” because he doesn’t carry the child but it isn’t the parent’s responsibility to take care of their daughter. It is their daughter’s responsibility. I speak for those who are old enough, have the ability to get a job and are conscious and aware of their actions. Parents of these “women” completely disregard their 20+ daughters’ capability to take care of themselves. The fact that they keep telling their daughters that they are useless without some sort of husband/guardian makes their daughters feel even more helpless and bitter towards their unborn children. In the event that a child is conceived in unfortunate circumstances, such as rape, the parents should function as a positive support group. Parents have no other function than to raise their children and let them go when they’re old enough to think for themselves. Children are not free labor. Children are not slaves. Children grow up to become adults and lead their own lives.

This doesn’t necessarily only apply to women but it’s very frustrating. One should be judged, considered, treated based on one’s own merit. You are nobody’s keeper. You are not kept by anyone. You answer to no one but yourself. Society exists as a collection of individuals’ collective values. You should always uphold what you think is reasonable, logical and right. Most people go on presumptions and stereotypical ideas without having knowledge or understanding of your situation, your wants and your goals. You’re the only one who holds all of this so it’s your responsibility to see those through. To better expound on your individual rights, please read Ayn Rand’s argument regarding the Virtue of Selfishness. Don’t let the word “Selfish” scare you. Let it liberate you.

The sad truth is that if you call people on this bullshit, they don’t even realize or understand the full extent of their ignorance and shallowness. When you try to explain why they are “offensive,” they have this glazed look in their eyes and tune out once they hear “catch” words usually directed against religion since they are trained to do so that they do it on autopilot. This unfortunately keeps them from hearing out the reasons. It’s even frustrating when it involves someone you care about.

The crucifix game

No television. Can’t play with the neighborhood kids since they themselves are locked up at home by their parents. Can’t eat anything till the sun goes down and might as well starve for the entire week since we’re not allowed to eat meat. We weren’t even allowed to “laugh” out of respect to the “Lord.”

Hidden within assorted scraps of cloth, thread and various sewing implements is the T-square. To a bunch of bored and starved siblings, it transforms into a toy that would entertain us till Easter Sunday. We first started using it as an imaginary ax and formed all sorts of terrain on the queen sized bed using pillows and blankets from all over the house. That didn’t amuse us too much and suddenly we noticed that the shape of the T-Square resembled that of the cross. I don’t remember whose idea it was originally but somehow we got it into our heads to use it as the cross and play acted various religious “scenes,” even going as far as to “nail” a sibling on the cross and “crucify.” Mind you, we never hurt each other. We simply tied the one playing “Jesus” on the T-square and lay it upright next to a wall to keep it upright. “Jesus” would try not to laugh. We even managed to find a tool that would serve as Loginus’ lance, which happened to be a back scratcher, that we used to poke Jesus into fits of laughter. At that point my mom manage to storm in the room and quiet us down reminding us that it’s holy week.

At that time, it never crossed my mind that my siblings and I were doing something “sacrilegious.” What made it any different from when we played Care bears, pretended to be power rangers or Vikings complete with cardboard swords? It never crossed our mind to make fun of the “Lord” back then, we were simply being children.

Richard Dawkins argues that religion is a psychological phenomenon similar to that of imaginary friends. Many young children have an imaginary friend. Christopher Robin had Binker. A little girl who wrote to him had a little purple man. And the girl with the little purple man actually saw him. She seemed to hallucinate him. He appeared with a little tinkling bell. And, he was very, very real to her although in a sense she knew he wasn’t real. He suspects that something like that is going on with people who claim to have heard God or seen God or hear the voice of God.

Alas, not many people grow up to question belief and learn to live accepting only the terms and supposed rules that family and society impose on them. The trick is that there isn’t anything “imposed” on you. You only choose to do so. The problem is that the choice isn’t immediately apparent because of being unaware of it. I myself have tried and really “wanted to believe.” I’ve had to learn that not everything my parents passed down and instilled in me was “fact.” The world doesn’t end just because you broke a “holy” commandment.

I’ve always wondered if you have to be in a particular mindset or already be aware of making the choice of non-belief. I myself didn’t immediately change my belief to atheism because I grew up in a background that was deeply immersed in religion that it was in my thoughts, my heart and my every action. I simply wasn’t aware and couldn’t conceive of a world without a god.

Even though every class starts with a prayer in any school in the Philippines, whether it’s religious or not, when you’re exposed to math, sciences and history, you eventually develop an awareness towards your surroundings if you’re taking those lessons seriously and not excuse it for memorization only to forget about it once you’re done with exams. I’m sure this wasn’t an intended effect of education but if there are any religious parent out there who will realize this, they’d be quick to take their children away from education and lock them up at home to keep them ignorant.

The Philippines is well known for extreme religious displays evident from many festivals that involve “really” nailing a guy up on a cross and crawling along the rough stone steps of churches till the devout’ knees bleed and chafe. It’s always guaranteed to show up in the news every year because of how brutish it is. What makes these displays any different from children reenacting the scourge?

It doesn’t take religion to make a good person. In fact, religion makes “good” people do bad things with the September 11 attacks as a perfect example. Although it brings comfort to those who lost loved ones that they will see each other in another world, or that they have a personal confidant patient and willing to listen to their needs, religion is an infantile pursuit for the vague.

Bahala na!

When I was 11, an electric post located just next to our property short circuited and caused a Santol tree right next to it to catch fire. It just so happened that the branches wrapped around electric post and our roof. At first we thought it was another one of the common power outages until we noticed that every body else had their lights on, the dogs were barking madly and there was a burning smell drifting in the air. I was right in the middle of homework, comfortably listening to a local radio station when the lights went out and my mom went stampeding into my room in hysterics and telling me to get out as quickly as I could because the house was on fire (which it wasn’t… just being threatened to catch fire at this point. This happened very often.)

My brothers and I filed out of the house leaving our dogs behind. My older brother instantly suggested for my mom that he was going to fill a pail with water and try to get the tree and the roof wet but I doubt she heard him, she was hysterical. She did try to focus on me and my younger brother and told us to pray. We weren’t nervous but her panic caught on to us but I do vaguely remember thinking… “Pray? The house is going to catch fire, we could do something… I want to save my dogs!” Perhaps more for her comfort, we prayed. Thankfully we had some neighborhood kids who just happen to be wandering around and alerted the neighborhood on what was going on immediately. While my mom was praying, rosary ready in hand, the neighbors were ready to act. We had one neighbor go out of his way to turn on the water in our backyard and hosed the sparks coming out of the electric post even though he was probably putting himself in danger of being shocked. He occasionally changed his aim to make sure that the roof was wet.

There was a giant spark from the electric post which stole a huge gasp from onlookers. Thankfully the firemen came just right then and got it all under control. I think an official was also called in to temporarily get the electricity cut in the area.

I used to look back to this memory as some sort of proof that “God” was being good to us and kept our house from burning by bringing all these wonderful people to our rescue. Looking back though, no omniscient being was there at all. It wasn’t my mother’s prayers that “saved” our house. It was our barkada who were quick to act by calling the attention of people who could help. It was the neighbors who watched over parts of the house to do what they could to lessen the damage as much as possible. It was the officials and firemen who braved the electric sparks and came back the very next morning to check on the wires, trim the branches so that the incident never happened again. The house was saved due to the quick action and assistance of the wonderful people who came to our aid.

Apparently, the common phrase “Bahala na!” which approximately translates to “whatever happens, happens,” was actually derived from a corrupted older phrase “Bathala na” which happens to reference the old Tagalog god, Bathala. The older phrase was much closer to the religious counterpart “In God’s will.” I dislike the phrase as it denotes an expression of helplessness, despair and surrendering to uncertainty. Oh but wait a minute, that’s exactly the doctrine of faith. Just leave it up to God, he’ll sort it all out for you!

My mom had the presence of mind to look after her children but instead of quickly knocking at a neighbor’s door, or looking for a phone (we didn’t have private phones back then!) she filed her children right across the street to stand staring, helplessly at the sparks flying out of the electric post, “threatening” to burn the tree, that was threatening to put the roof on fire. She could have sent us to fetch help, but she wanted us close. It wasn’t until a friend of ours and a few wandering neighbors wondering what we were doing standing in the middle of the street, praying and sobbing, that something was done to resolve the problem. Leave it all to God indeed.

Many of us were raised with this ideology and caused us to expect good things, solutions or blessings to “magically” happen to us. It shirks on effort, responsibility and the presence of mind to just take action. It has two opposite and negative effects: A) When we actually do something, whether it be helping others or achievements, commit a crime or mistake, we don’t take credit for it. We make an excuse out of it. B) It makes us into victims, dependents, crippled.

Have you taken tests and gotten a good grade for it? You got a perfect score because you stayed up all night studying for that calculus test. Having difficulty getting a job? Maybe you need to work on your resume a little bit. Want to get that dream body you’ve always wanted? Get off the couch and start running laps. We’re encouraged to dream of something we’d like to be when we grow up but most of us get disappointed when it doesn’t happen… but, did you actually try to do something about it? Time passes quickly in movies that portray individuals who reached their goals but they never show us the agony and pains they took to succeed. The montage, if they exist, often make their arduous journey appear “quick” and “easy.”

Though there are exceptions such to “blessings” such as getting hit by lightning or winning the lottery, there are many things that can be done and gained simply by taking the initiative. The trouble with religion is that it encourages the default to “God’s will” if we couldn’t find the answer or the means.

Everything you learned, you earned, you got, you received, you found, you wore, you broke, you won, you saw, you admired, someone is responsible for it. Someone made it happen. Someone made it possible. Believe in nothing but what you are capable of and certain. Make the effort, reap your rewards. Praise those who deserve it, not some deity in the sky. Create your opportunities, seek answers and solutions, take action.

Next time you have the urge to utter “Bahala na!” Maybe stop and consider if you can change that into a sentence or a thought that would take you a little further and closer to finding a solution. It might be difficult, but it’s better than being helpless.

The need of separating the “religion” from being “Filipino”

Just what does it mean to be a “Filipino?” What is the Filipino Heritage? Who were we before the Spaniards conquered?

Tourism ads on the Internet or magazines will show you a kaleidescope of colorful festivals, pristine beaches, ancient churches and the unusual marriage of eastern and western cultures in food and architecture. There are more than a hundred native languages spoken; there are very different types of traditional attire depending on which region you are visiting; and you may as well be visiting another country since the landscape is as diverse as the languages spoken. The best way to define the Filipino identity is to identify what binds us: Religion, a strong sense of familial bond and ingenuity.

One of the highest points in Philippine history was the People Power Revolution. Part of what made it so successful was the support of the then Cardinal Sin which encouraged much of the populace under the flag of religion to lend a hand. I grew up during this period and bore witness to the protests and though I didn’t understand the circumstances at the time, I knew that it was one of the defining moments in Filipino History. Looking back though, I did wonder why it took so long for people to have the courage to riot or protest shortly after Ninoy Aquino was assasinated. Ninoy was killed on 1983 but we didn’t decide to have a revolution up until 1989. It took 6 years for us to finally drive Marcos out of office. Even with that, why is Imelda Marcos not hissed or booed at right now but treated as a huge celebrity despite openly and obviously squandering and probably is still doing?

Our religion teaches us to be modest, to obey without question and follow prescribed cookie cutter paths in life. We are discouraged to speak our minds or question authority. Inflicting physical punishment on children is accepted and the norm as a form of discipline to a crime even as simple as failing to come home with an acceptable grade from school. Women are second rate citizens whose main function is to maintain their flawless beauty, procreate and please their husbands (and mother-in-laws). All these virtues were leftovers from the Spanish eras to ensure obedient and docile natives at the beck and call of the then ruling Spaniards. We had a thriving culture back then that was deliberately destroyed because they wanted complete control over our minds. What better way to do so than through religion?

Where a religious Filipino is closely follows strong family values. Filipinos are well known for their tight knit families and expecting everyone regardless of where they are to be familiar with which clan they hail from. This is probably because of the commandment that dictates “Honor your parents” though most likely it’s more of a lingering and already present value we carried with us from before the Spanish arrived. Although this is a generally positive trait, it is very authoritarian and discourages individualism.

There is no such concept as “moving out” of your parents house. Perhaps it’s caused by poverty or lack of places where you can really move on to. We don’t have a tradition that signifies any sort of coming of age and it is sad to see 30 year old men and women still responding as if they were 7-year-olds towards their parents. It’s ludicrous. It’s very common for parents to even continue living with their children long after their children had their children. There’s never any respect to privacy and you are always expected to obey, even if that means deciding what you will be when you grow up and what you’ll do for the rest of your lives. Though I’m not aware of arranged marriages in our society, it is almost as if it is in effect because you are in constant search of a partner that is “acceptable” to your family and not to yourself.

What frustrates me about family gatherings for example is a phenomena I would like to allude to as the “pokemon card game.” It’s embarrassing to be present at an occasion with your parents huddled around with aunts and uncles or some distant relative of some sort spewing out your achievements like stats. The goal of the game is to boast who has the most successful/beautiful/talented “child.” Although it’s probably flattering, it’s highly degrading. It’s almost as if they are making up for what they were not able to achieve due to restrictions and the prescribed lifestyle their parents dictated for them to follow. It’s also awkward to find yourself in a situation to hug or sit on a lap of a distant relative but have no choice but to do as asked because your parents are glaring and motioning you to do so since it appears to be an acceptable form of “harassment.”

Centuries after the Spaniards left, we never quite recovered from the crippling effects they imposed which we still continue to believe and obey. They took away our pride and confidence by encouraging modesty and prudence. As an example, the traditional stance of gently taking an important or elder person’s right hand with yours and moving it towards your forehead as a sign of “respect” is in itself illustrates a sort of acceptable means to acknowledge your futility. It isn’t a virtue to prostrate one’s self to show “respect.” Be it avoiding eye contact, bowing, kneeling, there is no reason to do so. You should not prostrate yourself to anyone. This is one of the lasting and unfortunate traditions that passed on to ensure that inquisitiveness, pride and confidence is discouraged and rebuked.

Thirdly, ingenuity. This is perhaps the one shining trait that keeps Filipinos from falling into complete, utter oblivion. Our creativity is ever present in our love of singing, dancing, the colorful costumes evident from various ethnic groups… and the artists, writers, engineers, technicians, all individuals seeking opportunities outside of our country to further their careers and dreams. Where there is art, there is a seed for inquisitiveness, discovery, and truth. It is unfortunate that we can’t pursue these dreams right here in our country but it is what keeps us from being completely blind due to religious influence.

I hope to see one day that the Filipino identity would be one that embraces modernity. We are one of the most fortunate countries in Asia that is unique in being the most westernized which opens doors to further industry and technology. Those doors have been open and only briefly and temporarily closed to progress during the Marcos administration but it’s still there only waiting for us to take advantage of.

If there were any countries that at least left a positive effect on the Philippines, it would be the United States. They gave us the spirit of liberty and freedom, and more importantly, a form of government that separates religion and the state. This isn’t exactly what is happening right now since our government seems to always need approval from the church even if it meant saving ourselves from an oppressive dictator.

We no longer have living persons who suffered the horror and atrocities the Spaniards imposed to question Christianity but what really makes it any different from Bathala, Kan Laon, Lumawig, Mariang Makiling or any of the old gods we once hailed as our gods? Why couldn’t we just simply see that Christianity is just another mythology just like the one we used to have? In fact, all Christianity does is hinder progress by restricting/evading/discouraging modernity.

A much needed trait is introspection. It is common for us to prefer all things foreign (maybe that explains the preference for Christianity. It’s not as if a god who looked after people from a desert half way around the world will actually care or notice the likes of a native from an island right smack in the middle of the ocean.) We have so much in our history that is overlooked and left unappreciated that are the stuff of legends and movies such as the relationship between Bonifacio and Aguinaldo; Apolinario Mabini who was a close equivalent of Thomas Jefferson; Ramon Magsaysay who opened Malacanang Palace to the public; The unknown datus who opposed the Spaniards early on. Are these not individuals who chose to break the docile, obedient and ignorant natives the Spanish so wanted us to be?

Like the United States, we have the unique opportunity to reinvent ourselves and the chance to create a country in the image of our choosing. Are we going to continue to be slaves to the ghosts of the Spanish colonial era? Are we going to continue to sing hallelujahs to a foreign god? When are we going to learn to be masters of our own lives and the pursuit of happiness?