The Lost Rites of Adulthood

In 1995, the song “Tell the World of his love” bombarded radio and television as the official theme song during World Youth Day held in Manila just in time for Pope John Paul II’s visit. One of the Television broadcasts that stuck to me was a sermon about how you aren’t really an “adult” till you’re 40. Even then, it is considered that you’re actually in the “teen” of your life. This was of course, to the appreciative giggles of all the middle-aged and elderly women attending the mass clearly drinking in the flattery.

I was just starting my first year of high school. Though I didn’t have the words, I had an uncomfortable feeling in the back of my mind about not being “grown-up.” Having been raised on television, since to my mother it kept us within sight and safely at home, the promise of being grown-up meant sleeping and waking whenever you wanted to; Pursuing relationships with the opposite sex (gasp!); Choosing and pursuing careers; Having your very own family, the kids, the pets, the home!; To a young, immature mind, taking away the promise of all these felt threatening.

Even then, I always thought that you just grew up eventually. You just did. It was the natural course of life. I knew I was going to get tired of my Barbie dolls, the trolls, pick up sticks or being a tomboy. I thought that once you turned a certain age, just like video games, you gained a skill for using make up, picking outfits, dating, etc and it was ONLY obvious that I was going to find my “hubby” when I turn 21. I would eventually get married and have kids of my own. I was supposed to expect that because that’s what I’ve been told was going to happen to me just like what happened to my mom and her mother before her, and her mother before her…

All this is too complicated to understand and really taken in at that age but slowly it kept bothering me the older I got. I learned that I didn’t “magically” gain the skill to walk on high heels for formal parties and graduation days, nor did I learn how to fix my hair on my own. So much of any previous lessons, trivia and information told to me by every facet of my world only told me what and who I was between the ages of 1 through 13 and 18 and beyond. Was I supposed to remain childlike my whole life?

There is much to be appreciated by the purity and innocence of youth but it shouldn’t be held up on a pedestal as something that should shape our lives. Religion preaches and insists on the state of “unchange.” This explains the obsession with virginity, children, and the fear of progress.

Hence, when a meek guy suddenly approached me one afternoon apologizing for the hooting and teasing of his friends whenever I’m nearby at lunch time, I couldn’t help but feel… let down. For you see, the guy was supposedly in his 30’s and just happened to be looking for a girl like me. He was shy, always walked around hunched as if he didn’t want to be seen, spoke softly, apologized for everything… I always got the impression that I was talking to a fifteen year old whenever he spoke to me. He had the type of behavior that could’ve been considered admirable and respectable for a fifteen year old, but on a grown man looked obscene. Maybe most women prefer the kind of guy you can whip around to do your bidding; or a bad boy you think REALLY has a heart of gold, somewhere, deep inside of him; but aren’t boys supposed to grow up to be men?

We used to have rites of passage that involved dangerous journeys and completions of tasks. Even though we have certain celebrations when we turn a certain age, it doesn’t really mean much except another year added to our mundane lives. We no longer have traditions that really make us feel that we’ve passed childhood and become adults. I’d like to think that it might be unique events that happen to us individually so a uniform “age” is no longer a condition and the sign is passing that test.

It’s disheartening to finally join the ranks of the “grown-up” and find that rarely has anyone really “grown-up” the way you expected them to, “mentally” and “emotionally.” Though you expect friends to keep the same attitudes, you still expect them to “change” a little bit other than changing physically into an “adult.”

I, Woman

Mother’s day is just around the corner and many of us are probably planning a surprise of some kind or looking for the perfect gift that our mothers’ would want. It’s a great chance for us to express gratitude to all the sacrifices, patience and care they’ve given.

Motherhood is the epitome of a Filipino woman’s existence. All daughters are expected to fill this duty at some point in their lives whether they intend to pursue careers or decide to be full time home bodies. The station itself is put up on a pedestal within our culture through the form of the Blessed Virgin Mary. In Mary, beauty and the ideal female image is given an impossible standard that no woman can ever achieve since she is the “only” woman to conceive without losing her “virginity.”

I am not belittling the role of child rearing or domestic life since it is very important essential to a family. Although very rare, there are now men who fill these roles while their wives are the ones who fill the breadwinner role. Though women are blessed with maternal instincts, it is only natural all matters of the home were originally assigned to the female sex. Since that is no longer the case because we now know facts and have knowledge that better explain reproduction and how our bodies and minds function, the roles can be interchangeable and both noble. Animals have to evolve to specialized functions which divide the sexes but humans are social. The more information we know about ourselves, the more flexible the roles are between the sexes.

The fact is, motherhood is a state that any woman can reach if she chooses to. Unfortunately, there are those who simply fill the role because it is their “duty.” It was prescribed and preached to them all their lives but they don’t even understand why they’re unhappy nor want to admit that they are unhappy with motherhood. After all, next to religion, it is blasphemy to speak ill of motherhood itself. An award should be given to those who genuinely are affectionate towards their children and not because it was written on a book, or commanded of them. Many mothers should be celebrated because they did more than their stereotypical caretaking role. Many mothers go on to fill the role of a teacher, a friend and a nurse.

It isn’t for the sake of having the ability to have children that we should stop to praise mothers. It’s to the mothers who willfully decided to bear a child for love and to raise it accordingly that the honors should go to.

The Office Troll

You know that self proclaimed office “jester” who always gets on your nerves and makes inappropriate and offensive jokes or comments that doesn’t quite fit in as “harassment” in the rule book but is really pushing it? You can’t really tell if he’s baiting you for an emotional response or just doing it for the sake of getting attention, or maybe both! If he can’t get your attention that way, he’ll attempt to tickle you or even tap you and even that physical act is on the verge of harassment but doesn’t quite fit into it.

The stereotype that I’m familiar with regarding “feminism” are normal women who came from normal families who never hurt or abused them in anyway but preach about feminine dominance just by being slighted by any man. That’s not what I mean and I know that’s not what the feminism movement set out to do. I do not want to dominate any man. I only want to be equal and treated with respect.

Just how much should you tolerate and why exactly do these people keep pushing this line? What’s even more irritating is that you get used to them pushing it and pushing it until you haven’t realized that he’s already gone past your tolerance level and it’s too late. I find myself irritated at women who are within this category who don’t even bother giving the man whore a good slapping. As an example, I have a female co-worker who is happily married but had the task of talking to several people every now and then. She is often seen or called on by one guy that this “troll” called to her “Is that your new boyfriend?” It was the tone of his voice that hinted malice. My co-worker and the guy didn’t really know how to react except be surprised and shrugged it off. The troll got away… again. He always does. This same troll was even caught taking a picture of a new pretty employee without her knowledge and was told not to save the photo. He only reacted annoyed at the co-worker who caught him and whether he saved the picture or not, my gut feeling tells me he did and who knows why or what he’s using it for.

I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how small, and especially if it’s a big deal, these types of behavior should be reported to management. Otherwise if someone actually brings up “the big one” it wouldn’t come as a surprise and would actually stack up with the “little” irritating, infuriating behavior typical of a five year old that these trolls feel they can always get away with.