What’s it like to be gay?

“Do you ever wonder how people become homosexual? Were they born that way or do they become that way?” I asked in the dark laying in bed with my best friend who happened to be sleeping over that night. We were around 14 years old when we had this discussion. I have yet to have a boyfriend and wondered what it would be like. My parents made subtle remarks and gestures that they didn’t want me to have one. Not for concentrating in school, not for distraction, not even for worrying about indiscreet behavior and whatnot. They just didn’t want me to have one while the rest of my friends had their own miniature husbands tagging along with them by the leash, arguing with them, throwing their own variations of projectile weapons at each other when they fought.

I had at least one boy who met some of my “ideal” man criteria, but was not worth pursuing as my parents would make life difficult and because I just didn’t have the confidence. I think there was only one girl in our class who managed to start having a relationship with another student. Every girl secretly envied her but publicly derided her. After some time, teachers asked them to break up because their show of public affection was considered indecent. “Indecent” as in loud giggling and constant passing of notes to each other while in class.

So I pondered about homosexuality. Are you born one? Do you become one? Do you decide to be one when you’ve exhausted your wiles and charms trying to seduce the opposite sex? Both my best friend and me lay there pondering whether we could have romantic feelings for each other or another girl. After a very long silence, we burst out laughing. We’re still very good friends to this day and though we “love” each other like sisters, we just couldn’t see each other “that” way.

Other than my mother, I was the only other female in a household of men. My father worked overseas and we had a few uncles living with us. All the other girls in the neighborhood belonged to rich families and either imported their playmates from other rich families or hired nannies to play with them. That left me surrounded with other middle class children which were pretty much boys. This made me behave like a tomboy and my mother secretly encouraged me to dress up in masculine clothing which confuses me as to whether she wanted meant for me to be a boy. I only looked feminine when I was dressed up in my school uniform. I pretty much had no female adult figure to use as a role model since my mother seemed to vilify any feminine concept such as dressing up, make up or doing your hair. Such routines were reserved for special and social occasions or forcing me to fit clothing that she made for commission. There were very many times that I wished I was indeed born a boy since after I got my period, I was pretty much barred from going outside and left to beg my schoolmates to come visit me if I ever wanted to experience any sort of socializing. It seemed that there were a lot of rights and freedom assigned to the male sex that I was not allowed to experience, even something as simple as sports or outdoor exploring. If i wanted to go outside, I had to nag one of my siblings to be my entourage.

When I did eventually start going out with guys much later, I often wondered how my mom would feel if I “explored” homosexuality. She once expressed how it was a grave sin, but that she would love us all the same… with the undertone that we shouldn’t do it because we would burn in eternity in the fiery underbelly of hell. She would still love me even if I disappointed God but we both knew that whether she loved me or not did not matter, only God’s wrath. She went as far as to dissolve a very close relationship between my younger brother and I for fear that playing and being around me too much will cause him to be gay. I had a lot of homosexual friends growing up whom were patronized by my mother. I felt sick when my friends tell me how nice she was since I was the only one aware that it was a front.

I don’t understand anything about homosexuality. All I know is that I am straight as an arrow and like boys a lot. Because of the repressive environment I grew up in, I took to getting cheap thrills from Japanese comics that featured effeminate and attractive looking boy x boy pairings just to satisfy my deprivation. I wonder if Catholic priests who molest little boys feel the same way? In their minds, “God loves children” so they ended up translating that to their own sick variation.

After some years, I got in touch with an old childhood friend who to my surprise is actually a lesbian and ended up living with her then girlfriend. She was still the same old person though it made me wonder if our childhood relationship had any undertones or if she just decided to be a lesbian after many disappointed heterosexual relationships.

I “tried” to read the Bible when I was 10 and gave up because of how difficult it was to follow and read, and because it gave me nightmares after reading Revelations. I only know of snippets from various sources and people that there are certain parts of the Bible that specifically state that homosexuality is forbidden. From everybody else, homosexuality is a sin. Before I was exposed to the concept of “Original Sin,” I thought of sin as conscious bad decisions like stealing, lies, and greed. This made me think that homosexuality was a “choice.”

The message that reached me from the whole of Catholicism is that it’s forbidden to “desire a man” unless it’s to bear children, and especially to desire someone of the same sex because it serves no function. In the whole, it’s saying that you shouldn’t love or desire anything at all and be mindless, docile sheep. In practice, religion isn’t at all about love, passion, charity or all that warm, fuzzy stuff that they preach. Instead, I found apathy by putting religion into practice. Nothing made sense, nothing mattered, nothing except “God.” It’s disturbing to think how you can find a “mate” that you can even stand to sleep with in this ideology… Then again, with apathy, you wouldn’t even think about it and go about the motions to satisfy whatever notion of society and family you retained from the ordeal.

In conclusion, homosexuality seemed more acceptable than any form of birth control. If you were going to commit a grave sin sexual in nature, might as well go for homosexuality. God forbid you practice birth control or unwanted pregnancies to ensure a quality life for any child you do plan to bear. If you fail to reproduce, you better be homosexual.

I’m not of the opinion that homosexuality is bad at all. It just seems like a phenomenon that is natural that for whatever reason was twisted into the context of being unnatural. Religious people just seem to resent it so much because it doesn’t fit in their dogma and because it centers specifically around the desire and affection of an individual and not child bearing. It is criticized precisely because it’s a glaring and public display of selfish desire to adore and love someone OTHER than God. The relationship revolves solely between two people in love. You cannot disguise, pretend or assume their relationship for anything else.

I consider myself a “retarded” female because of my stunted social growth and ignorance of stereotypical feminine wiles, skills and supposed obsessions. The best I can do of a hair do is a sloppy pigtail. I do not know how to use make up. I have a terrible fashion sense and resort to picking whatever is close to what’s displayed on mannequins in clothing stores. I have no desire or interest in jewelry. I limit myself to three sets of shoes: rubber shoes, sandals and black work shoes. I make sure most of my wardrobe match with my only three sets of shoes. But then again, I like dolls and stuffed animals. I’m a pretty good cook. I have a maternal instinct for taking care of animals. I was born female, I can’t help but be female and I can’t imagine myself living any other form of existence. By my great love of dogs, I am attracted to men. I will drool and have fantasies about them. I… love… men…

Francisco D’Anconia, a fictional character in Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” said “Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life.”

You are “kept” by noone

I was delighted to find a notification that an old friend of mine left me a note at MySpace. It was someone I haven’t spoken to for a long time and considered a close friend. I am unfortunately very terrible at staying in touch. I don’t do this on purpose and I encourage my friends to poke me even if it’s only to abuse me for my talents. Though the purpose of the message was to get back in touch, the content was a backhanded insult.

“Are you married? Did you run out of invitations? Congratulations! Are you pregnant?!”

To give a little bit more understanding of this note, my profile’s relationship type was deliberately changed to “married” because I keep getting dating inquiries from male acquaintances. I’ve since stopped getting these inquiries ever since I changed it to “married” status. I assume she just noticed this change on my profile and wrote to inquire about it. As I said, she was a very close friend and I promised that if I got married, she would be invited.

Today’s entry is a reference to an infamous Christian saying “You are your brother’s keeper.” You’re not. This unfortunate saying does more harm especially towards women.

I’m not really sure if this is unique to being a Filipina but apparently if you are one, your goal in life is to get married as early as you can, have children, and be financially dependent on your husband. I’ve wrestled on my opinion of marriage for a very long time and finally decided that it’s really just a public declaration of a relationship. The celebrations, the trinkets and whatnot are not for the bride and groom but for their public.

I don’t really know how the government recognizes marriages but it’s always nice to know that if a relationship doesn’t work out, you can just walk away. I’ve heard people stay together to uphold the “sacredness” of marriage, because you go straight to hell if you file a divorce! I’ve heard people stay together because of the “children.” I’ve heard that people stay together because they’re just so used to their partner they’re not willing to find another one to get used to. There’s a solution to all these reasons to keep a marriage, they really are just shallow excuses.

In school, they teach you the hierarchy involved in a Filipino family. The father is the breadwinner. The mother looks after the children. The elder children look after the younger ones. What they don’t tell you is that it’s common to see mothers and fathers screaming expletives at each other, throwing dishes and cutlery at each other or threatening each other with divorce. This isn’t to say that I had a dysfunctional family. My mother and father were usually “sweet” but I used to think that it was normal to constantly fight with your sweetheart and occasionally have the urge to hurt them. For a long time, I avoided having relationships thinking that “this” picture was how it was supposed to be. I noted this behavior from many friends and their significant others I had growing up who constantly argued about the smallest, pettiest, mundane things from street signs to “another” significant other. I grew up thinking that marriage was a sacred. What makes it different from an ordinary boy x girl relationship is the fact that it’s a public declaration towards society or “god.” Does any of that involve how the bride and groom feel about each other? What does society have to do with people’s relationships anyway?

An auxiliary issue towards marriage is a woman’s dependence towards her husband. Any self sufficient woman who can cook, clean, educated, and beautiful is instantly expected to give up her career and be subservient to her husband. She passes “ownership” from her family to her husband. Most female are raised to crave the life of being pampered by a husband so they don’t know how to fend for themselves and are afraid of being independent and braving the world with their potential. Unfortunately, I see a lot of women using their children as an excuse to stay in a marriage because they don’t know how to go out there and take up work and fulfill both breadwinner and care taking roles. They’re told all their lives that they are second rate citizens so they know no other way to function than to be subservient.

And then there’s the children. When a woman gets pregnant, “society” automatically calls for a husband because they expect a breadwinner to pamper her while she looks after them. She can’t possibly take care of them on her own can she? Though pregnancy and having children is usually a happy occasion, there are several instances when it doesn’t fit our “acceptable” conditions. Some women have the misfortune of being raped. Some women did not have proper education regarding sex and contraceptives. Regardless, these are all trivial situations excused as ‘bad’ simply because it doesn’t fit the religious doctrine of birthing babies only under marriage.

A lot of parents I know who have daughters reason that they “lose more” if the daughter gets pregnant because they “have to take care” of their daughter’s child. True, the man involved can always “leave” because he doesn’t carry the child but it isn’t the parent’s responsibility to take care of their daughter. It is their daughter’s responsibility. I speak for those who are old enough, have the ability to get a job and are conscious and aware of their actions. Parents of these “women” completely disregard their 20+ daughters’ capability to take care of themselves. The fact that they keep telling their daughters that they are useless without some sort of husband/guardian makes their daughters feel even more helpless and bitter towards their unborn children. In the event that a child is conceived in unfortunate circumstances, such as rape, the parents should function as a positive support group. Parents have no other function than to raise their children and let them go when they’re old enough to think for themselves. Children are not free labor. Children are not slaves. Children grow up to become adults and lead their own lives.

This doesn’t necessarily only apply to women but it’s very frustrating. One should be judged, considered, treated based on one’s own merit. You are nobody’s keeper. You are not kept by anyone. You answer to no one but yourself. Society exists as a collection of individuals’ collective values. You should always uphold what you think is reasonable, logical and right. Most people go on presumptions and stereotypical ideas without having knowledge or understanding of your situation, your wants and your goals. You’re the only one who holds all of this so it’s your responsibility to see those through. To better expound on your individual rights, please read Ayn Rand’s argument regarding the Virtue of Selfishness. Don’t let the word “Selfish” scare you. Let it liberate you.

The sad truth is that if you call people on this bullshit, they don’t even realize or understand the full extent of their ignorance and shallowness. When you try to explain why they are “offensive,” they have this glazed look in their eyes and tune out once they hear “catch” words usually directed against religion since they are trained to do so that they do it on autopilot. This unfortunately keeps them from hearing out the reasons. It’s even frustrating when it involves someone you care about.